Accepting My Fate as a Potato

How to Suck at Taking Time Off.

Image by Simon Migaj on Unsplash

Ahh, It’s that time again. That time when my vacation time is approved and I rush out of that office, head home, lay my head on the couch and think about all the awesome things I’m going to do.

Spoiler Alert: I am not going to do anything awesome.

That white sandy beach with grains of sand that I want to feel between my toes? Nope, not me.

That sweet sound of the ocean crashing against the shore as the gulls and birds sing along in sweet orchestral harmony? Na-ah, I don’t get that too.

That Safari, the wild lands calling out to the wild in my blood that has stayed caged for so long and I want to let loose? Nope, sorry.

I don’t get to do any of that.

You know what I do instead? I crawl up into the couch and turn on that large flat screen TV that my best friend convinced me to buy — ( Yeah, it’s so large I’m beginning to wonder if I’m overcompensating for something) — and I see how far I can scroll on Netflix before my thumbs fall off.

The sun sets beyond my window and as I gaze through the curtains I wonder when was the last time I came home with the sun still up. I wait for my phone to vibrate with incoming emails but I remember that I uninstalled the damned app when my time off got approved.

Wait, might there be an emergency at work? No. I chastise myself and swear not to think about work or emails or any of that.

This is my time off. Mine!

And I intend to make the most of it.

8.00pm and the couch hugs me closely like a lover returned. I’m on the third episode of some forgettable show that I could swear I have definitely watched before. I yawn. I should definitely binge-watch that new show that everyone’s been talking about.

Naaah, I’ll probably rewatch House for the seventh time. How else am I supposed to recharge my snarkiness?

I look at my phone. No vibration. No emails? Oh, Wait… I uninstalled that damned app.

Day 2 finds me on the couch.

8.00am and I’ve re-installed the damned app. A hundred and eighty-four unread emails wait in my inbox. They stare at me with wild eyes. “Where do we go?” They ask. I look down at them and with a face like Mars spurned I whisper, “Nowhere”.

Yeah, Nowhere. Guess who’s going there as well.

Maybe I should have planned this out better, I think to myself. Maybe I should have booked tickets to some exotic place where the wind blows soft, the drinks flow free and hips sway to the beat. Yeah, That would be good. I mentally punch myself for not thinking things through.

Do you know what I should do for my next vacation? Something fun. I’m not sure what but it should definitely be something fun. “Hey, maybe you can do that now?” the active part of my brain suggests. I immediately conclude those brain cells are in need of vacation as well.

Yep. Today, I accept my fate as a potato.

Yes. Today I embrace all the potato in me.

I see your thoughts. “Leave the house,” you say, “ There’s a world to be explored out there,” you say.

Well, guess what? There’s a world to be explored in here as well. Have you ever counted the number of cracks in your living room ceiling? Nope? Didn’t think so. — I have. It’s a number between 10 and sleeping on the couch.

“But it’s not healthy for you”. Guess what? I called my gym trainer and told him I’ll be back soon enough. What’s the use of a beach body when there are no beaches to go to?

What? I’m damned sexy as far as potatoes go!

Day 5…

I’m pretty sure if I sit here long enough, I’m going to turn into vodka.

Day 7…

I should definitely write an article about this. That’s what a potato would do.

#Life #Vacation